The Legend of Tarzan (2016) – Disturb me with your wildness

cast:  Alexander Skarsgård, Rory J. Saper, Christian Stevens, Samuel L. Jackson, Christoph Waltz, Margot Robbie

director: David Yates

He is no normal man. He was thought to be an evil spirit, a ghost in the trees. No man ever started with less.

 I swear, I wanted to be serious and write some serious shit but at this hour my mind is stuck between the deadline I have at work tomorrow and the fact I want to embark in a new MCU marathon and I don’t have some free time…but mamma’s gonna whoop some awesome shit here and tell you her two cents on this new Tarzan movie.

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Yeah, I bet you guessed by now I used Leon Rom’s flirty line as the title of the review. Well, what can I say, I like a fan who gushes over another hunk and embraces everything that is wild and funky over Tumblr. Rom is like a Tumblr user, he secretly likes some good slash and he’s not afraid to utter some innuendos about it. He also carries some nice, fancy beads and I swear those are what I look forward to get for my birthday…that and the Civil War Blu-ray…and some fancy raven skull necklace.

Back to “The Legend of Tarzan”, here’s another take on making an origin movie on a well known tale and putting the superhero spin into it. Because why the fuck not. It’s good, it brings in the box-office and the kids like it.The dames love it as well.

It’s got enough dark and gritty not to fall into a Disney romp and it’s packed with fine actors. Skarsgard reminded us why we pined over Eric Northman and those abs are a national treasure, Margot Robbie let her Harley show more than once while trying her best not to fall short on the damsel in distress trope, Waltz has clearly embraced the villain roles and isn’t afraid to put some new spins on the classical mustache twirling bad-gays and Samuel L.Jackson does what he knows best, bring to life some motherfuckers saying some motherfucking one-shots while excelling at being a bad-ass motherfucker. You get the gist. He plays the same role he played in the last five movies we saw him but he does it well and the political correct world in which we live needs variety. Not. You will get it as well as other over the top stuff.

Like fighting a fucking ape! I get it. He’s Tarzan, with a body ripped to perfection and the looks to kill but seriously, watching Skarsgard attack his ape brother is like watching the Hulk smashing Loki, you know not even an Asgardian God can match this kind of strength.

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Let’s give Alexander his dues, he does a fine job on the brooding and physical aspects of the part, not much on some artistic, subtle work but we take what we’re given, it’s not like every day we see an actor looking like a God among men – the fanfic I could write about those abs, the slash Rom could image about those abs.

Did I mention Waltz is having fun playing another loco? Well, he does it better than in “Spectre”. At least here, he goes out full throttle on the psychotic behavior paired with some in the closet fondness for ripped bods. There’s no shame in that. But it’s a tale that is becoming stale and besides a few raised eyebrows at some jokes and puns, Rom is dull and probably one of the most stupid villains I saw in movies. So much for strategy and logic when you fall for the pretty wife with a sassy tongue.

Some commented on the CGI, I swear I couldn’t care less on that aspect since I was caught in the awesome soundtrack and following Tarzan through a story that is as predictable as it is fun to watch. Think of “George of the Jungle” minus the fun, add the slavery, keep the sass, you’ve got “Tarzan”. Like I said, every movie nowadays needs to attack some social and/or political aspects. Forget the good old fun of enjoying a story, if you don’t have some activism lurking in the background you might as well go home.

Too bad we didn’t get some backstory on chief Mbonga played by Djimon Hounsou. He had more potential as a villain than Rom but it’s hard to craft a decent bad-guy – why the Hell they didn’t go with Daniel Bruhl? I know, you’ll say I have my Marvel thing, nope, he could have done a better job with Rom, innuendos and all.

So, is it worth your money to go to “The Legend of Tarzan”? Do it for the abs and some snippets of a story, at least it’s a decent one. Not a good one but it won’t make you want to go ape-crazy and demand your money back. Do it for Skarsgard’s abs. There’s no shame in admitting this whole movie is a fanfic on ripped bodies with some angst and mushy villain. Some fanfics turn out to be the next franchises.

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